So today is rambling too. I have taljed a little about my kiddies, about my wife some. I have not got to me.

I am flawed though i always aim to be better and kearn from mistakes. There have been many. I have hurt friends in the oast taking advantage of their feelings for personal gratification. Not consciously but hindsight is perfect with the right glasses. I have no past. By that i mean i have no friends from before i was 20 and for that matter no friends i havent met in Canada where i am now living. I burned bridges, put the wrong priorities first and basically am who i am because of it. I cannot take it back and if i could be who i am today and change the past i would.

Today i am a positive giving kind person who always answers yes to “can you do me a favour?” I am leaving it now but i will lay out more another day as i have many facets, as we all do to my past.

I am over weight. I am meal tracking and exercise tracking so i can get healthy. I do not look at BMIs as i have bever fit that mold. I have also recently started a bew job and it has made me realise that despite having done some bad things in my past, they have made me more aware of thise around me and turned me into an annoyingly positive person.

This has made me more life conscious, over all. So i started to piece together a to do chart for daily activities.

As i said yesterday i have a lived ine with BPD so i have iver the last year or so been more active in doing chores and so i had decided to not make it a chore list. I wanted to be more accountable to myself and that led me to realise heakth has been very much about being there for my kids. So i decided to ask them what they wanted to see in the list. My beautiful 6 year old daughter immediately said be on my mobile less. Tsh! Crack number one. I only see my kids on weekends and for about 2 hours Monday to Friday. I thought i do pretty well at being present but my perception and hers is obviously different. So to do number one: less mobile.

My 4 year old wonder-bot is much sillier and I fully expecting to get an answer like “find a unicorn tree?!?” And i got be less angry. Tsh! Shatter!!!

To be clear i am strict and firm. I ket my kids be very free soirited and would protect their wonder with my own life but i dont tolerate tantrums or impoliteness or backchat. I never strike, pinch or touch my kids in anger. They are my world and i want them to be everything they can be and want to be but i really want them to be the best version of themselves. A saying that resonated with me since i first saw it is ” go out in the world and do well, but more importantly go out in the world and do good!”

I actively and consciously control my anger, as i have an incredibly short fuse. Again my perception and theirs is different and apparently i have more work to do.

As i progress i will post more.

For anyone reading this I am doing this as a cathartic exercise and if it helps anyone along the way I am truly happy.

I am married to a beautiful woman 37 years young…..cheesy and how I see her nit how she sees herself! She was diagnosed with BPD and PMDD. What that means is she has the megazord of PMS with a brain that doesn’t know it arse from its elbow. She is engaging, insightful, moody, funny, creative, sad and full of wonder. Thats cyclical on a 5 min cycle.

Thats only partly in jest. It is hard to live with someone living with BPD. They cannot strap on a pair, pull up their socks, choose happy or decide to get better. Every moment is a conscious effort to maintain positivity and it is, from my point of view, draining. Still every day she takes steps forward stares at her kids with wonder and finds room for love.

I am always proud of her as a friend, as wife and particular as a momma.

Thats the nice stuff. It is frustrating as hell. I am incredibly positive person….not to say I dont have my issues and dark days……but to see this light of a soul only be able to illuminate the things she touches and not see any of the good in herself is hard. It is hard to remember that when she is mean or snappy that it is not on purpose and is 99% of the time not personal.

It has become a part of our relationship to be brutally honest. From morning breath to stopping yelling at kids to money even to sex. Not something by the way that will be discussed in great lengths at any point.

Brutal honesty evolves quickly into open and frequent communication.

I think what I am saying is life is hard but worth it and being the best you can, or at least trying to be the best you can be is the best we can do.

Next time I will tell you more about me or my kids or rainbows. Depends where the breeze takes me. Love always

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton